it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
