The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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