Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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