Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
