I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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