He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
The air taste purple.
Randomize
