It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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