why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
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