What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
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