I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
As shirtless as possible
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
