I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
