I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize