apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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