WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
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