My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Randomize
