I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
