She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
