This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
