i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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