Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
