You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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