Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
