Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
