but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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