Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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