Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
