I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
