I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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