im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
