At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
