I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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