Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
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