i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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