i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize