ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
