I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
