I could make wine with my vomit
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
