apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.â€
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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