he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize