Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
