he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
He better not be in your backpack
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
