turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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