i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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