I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
