i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Dicks are not precious.
I am available for nakedness
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
