Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
