He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
