someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
