Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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