I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
