my vag is so smooth its legendary
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
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