My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Someone signed my nipple.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
