Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
