I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
