he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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