Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Randomize
