I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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