I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
We need to rekindle our bromance
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
