I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
