I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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